All you need is love

Everyone moans about their life and how tough things are but its only when you see or hear about something truly upsetting or something that you cannot even comprehend that everything in your life is put into perspective and you realize how all pathetic and insignificant your problem and worries actually are.

I watched a programme tonight called 'Care Home Children: Looking For Love' and even though I know that not everyone was fortunate to have a good upbringing like I had, it really upsets me to think of kids growing up not knowing what its like to have a family and feel loved.

I had the best childhood I could have ever imagined. I cant even explain to people how much I loved it. I grew up on a estate with about 10 other children of a similar age and we hung out all the time. We would be out playing straight after breakfast and didn't go in until it got dark. We'd take it in turn which house we would go to to get a drink and snack then we'd go straight back out. It was so much fun. I was given all the opportunities, support, encouragement, love and advice I could ask for.

Watching that program made me realize how lucky I am. I think the most important thing a child can have growing up is stability and these children had none. One of the boys moved house 35 times in 2 years. I cant even imagine that. And as a result they never let anyone in or get to close for fear of them leaving.
I know when I was growing up I accused my parents of loving my brother more than me or not loving me at all and ruining my life if I wasn't allowed to go somewhere or not have something. That's embarrassing now to look back on and it makes me sound spoilt (which I wasn't)  I knew deep down that wasn't the case and I was loved, but I think most children feel like that at some stages its part of growing up and its an important lesson in learning boundaries and accepting when you cant have things your own way. But for these children that is basically their reality. They don't have anyone who cares enough for them to take them in and give them a home and love, or maybe their parents care too much and that's why they give them away because they know they cant give that child the things they deserve and need. But either way they grow up not knowing what its like to be part of a family and feel safe and supported. 

Those children who go through care are more likely to end up in prison, homeless and with mental health issues. And half of girls who grow up in care are mothers before the age of 18. I'm 22 and I cannot even imagine having a child right now let alone 4 or more years ago. Its crazy to think how different their lives could be if they just had someone or someplace stable in their lives.

When I was growing up I always wanted to own a 'fat' camp with a lake and a blob on it, so children who struggled with their weight like I did could have somewhere to go and not feel bullied, ugly or like a misfit. I would still love to have that one day. I would be on that blob more than anyone, it looks so much fun. Its definitely on my bucket list of things to do in my life.

I feel that people have become much more selfish and greedy, years ago people used to do everything they could to help people even if it meant they would struggle themselves. Now everyone just looks after number 1. I used to be really naive and shallow minded about history. I used to say 'its in the past so leave it in the past' but over the past 2 years during my placements I have realized how immature, ignorant and wrong I was and I'm embarrassed to even admit how I used to think. 
I have met people who were in World War 1 and 2 and fought for our country in various other battles too. I've been bought to tears a few times listening to their stories, part of it is also my guilt for having disregarded what they did and how I thought before. Those gentlemen are amazing and they are true hero's. I could listen to their stories all day. Some of the stories they tell you just cant even comprehend. One man was in a Japanese prison of war camp for 7 years, and his stories were truly shocking but I'm so lucky to have been able to hear them. 

Watching the show made me really upset me and think about what I could do to help. I genuinely love helping people, I always feel the need to help people because I hate to see people upset, hurt and lonely especially when there so much we can do to help and there's no need for them to be in that situation. 


I always used to think about adoption and thought it would be nice but I never considered fostering a child. Now I definitely will if I am able to. I definitely want children of my own, its one of my biggest goals and ambitions in life, quite how many children I'm not sure of just yet. I want to have enough money for each of them to have their own room and to be able to give them all the opportunities, support, encouragement and love they could ask for. I want my children to be able to turn around and say just like I can that I had they best childhood possible and best parents they could ask for. 


That's one of the reasons why I love my job so much, because I can help and care for people and I do feel like I can give something back. Even some people who call when they aren't injured or ill, they just want company and someone to listen to them, I'm more than happy to be that person. No one likes to be alone no matter what they say or how they act. I would be more than happy to do my job for the rest of my life but I know that one day I wont be able to because of how physically demanding it is. So I'd love to either work somewhere where they offer care to people or set up and own my own business. My problem is I'd want to help everyone and as much as people like to think they can you have to be realistic. I don't know whether I'd want to help young children so that they have the best chance at life. The elderly, because people forget about them and my biggest fear in life is being alone when I'm old so I don't want to think of anyone being like that. Or maybe help families and try and help them be as happy as possible or maybe even homeless, drug or alcohol dependent people.

Hmmmm we'll I've got to complete my course first to even enable me to do my dream job, one more exam and then hopefully I'm all done. Ive only got 19 more days in University. Im so excited!!!

Flossy x

Spring Clean

I have had the most productive day I have had in ages.

I have needed to sort through my wardrobes for so long. Yes wardrobes plural I have 3. There are clothes in them from years ago that I know don't fit me anymore but I kept them because I like them or because they remind me of a time or place. I think I could easily be a hoarder. 

The final straw that made me sort through them was my wardrobe actually collapsing this week. Half way through the night there was a huge bang and it freaked me out so much I just lay in bed super still for ages until I decided it was safe to move. But I had a little DIY session, got out my screwdriver and fixed it.

Growing up I had such a hard time coping with the dark, the fact that you cant see exactly whats there scares the life out of me. Add that to the fact that for some strange reason I could never say no to watching a scary film meant my nights were often spent lying awake and super still in bed waiting for the monster/scary man in my room to leave. I could never sleep with my door shut and I had to leave a light on. Then as I got older I started to shut my door but I had a little nightlight in my room, which was actually a weird little monster creature (how ironic). Now I can finally sleep without a light and with my door shut. I still don't like going into dark places and hate it when people turn the light off quickly, I freak out, grab hold of the nearest person and just freeze.

The scariest experience of my life was when I was 18 and on a team building exercise when I was in UWIC. We had to walk through a pitch black tunnel and count markers that stuck out of the wall, whilst measuring the length of the tunnel with the 20 meter rope we had to hold onto. I couldn't even see my hand which was right in front of my face. Luckily I knew one of the girls in my group really well so she knew what I would be like and didn't complain once when I squeezed her hand to death and cried on her shoulder the whole way through. Safe to say I did not count any markers and could not even guess at how long the tunnel was because it felt like MILES!

After sorting through my wardrobes I managed to fill a tonne of bags which I took to a charity shop to go to a better home. I did plan on doing a car boot sale but they are so much hard work and clothes would be a nightmare to sell there. I have got a few bits and pieces I'm going to try and sell on Ebay, but last time I tried I failed miserably.

Heres all the bags I managed to give away:

These are the jeans I was wearing about 2-3 years ago, which I kept as a little reminder to never get that big again, and also a little ego boost, but now they have gone to a new home, They don't even look that big here but in real life I think I could have had a good go at fitting both legs into one.

I love the feeling after a good sort out and clean. I have satisfied my OCD for a while at least.

Flossy x

Trucker

I am a qualified lorry driver!

As part of my course we had to get our C1 driving licence so that we could drive the ambulance. So instead of them giving us an ambulance to learn in they gave us a HUGE lorry. It was massive. 

On Sunday when we started I was petrified, I have never driven anything bigger than a ford focus, my car is a little Corsa and I am comfortable in my little bubble. It took me a few minutes to take in just how big the steering wheel was! I'm not a very confident driver anyway, especially in places that I don't know I just panic and get flustered, so driving around strange places in a mammoth lorry it was safe to say I was out of my comfort zone.

We went straight out onto the main roads too which surprised me. I expected to drive around an industrial estate for a while and just get used to starting, stopping, steering and the sheer size of the vehicle. But nono within 5 minutes of driving I was on the motorway.

I now have no much more respect for lorry drivers. I don't think people will quite understand until you drive one yourselves, just how much more you have to think about all the time. The steering is so difficult, the gears are a pain in the butt and the amount of time you have to spend checking your mirrors and blind spots is unreal. Cars just don't care about you, they cut you up, go into your lane, don't give you enough time or space and generally make a nuisance of themselves. 

Getting into my car now feels like the strangest thing, it just feels soo small and almost pathetic. I'm so low down to the ground and the gear stick is so small. In the lorries you always pull of in 2nd. I've been caught out a few times in my car starting in 2nd which it will cope with but it lets me know its not right by kindly screaming at me. Tonight I nearly went into a wall because I kept putting my car into 2nd gear instead of reverse.... whoops!

This is what I've been cruising around in all week...

So next time you see a lorry and decide to cut him up, squeeze through a gap or get annoyed because your stuck behind one DONT. 

Flossy x

FINALLY!

2 years and 3 stone later I have finally reached the goal I set myself.

 I actually can't remember the last time I weighed less than 10 stone. When I was 18 I lost weight and got down to 10 stone 3, but before then I was heavier. I think I was probably around 14 the last time I weighted less than 10 stone which is a scary and sad thought but at least I can say that I am now. 

I am finally happy with my weight and how I look, which is a feeling I never thought I would feel again. I was so down in how I looked. I had no confidence and was constantly miserable. As much as I hated food for what it had done to me, it was the only thing that made me feel better but only temporally then I would get upset again.

I felt like everyday I would start a diet but if I didn't see results straightaway then I would loose hope of it working and would give up. People are always very quick to criticize large people but until you have been there yourself then you don't know how hard it is and what its like to look at yourself in the mirror and feel disgusted. As much as I sympathize with them I do still get annoyed when they moan how big they are and don't do anything about it, even though it is frustrating it is worth it it just takes a long time and a lot of hard work. 

Now that I've lost weight now I want to tone up and get fit. So that is my next goal, I'm going to restart my running, look for a Pilates or yoga class and try Cross-fit. But one thing I can definitely promise is that I will never ever let myself get that big or miserable again.

Here's my proof, my favourite picture in a long long while!

Flossy x